The child who develops secure attachment has their needs met most of the time. That is, when they cry they are tended to; when they are hungry they are fed; when they need nurturance they are held. Of course, when a child is pre-verbal we may not know what they specifically need. However, if a mother is attuned to her baby she comes to know his signals and needs fairly quickly.

The secure child feels loved and safe in their environment. He is so sure that the world is trustworthy that he feels safe enough to explore it without his mother, knowing he always has a safe haven to return to. He experiences his mother as warm, responsive, sensitive, and dependable, and has a sense of security both in her presence and when alone.

Naturally, a child who experiences this kind of love and security takes this experience into his future relationships. As an adult he feels that same sense of security in his romantic connections. He is able to express his needs and be vulnerable, as well as share his hopes and dreams. He also tends to have a higher sense of self-worth and doesn’t doubt his loveability.

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

The child who is avoidantly attached did not experience an ongoing positive connection with her caregiver. He came to learn that his mother could not be trusted to be there for him and so develops coping strategies that help him to feel safe and in control of his environment. Such behaviours include ignoring his mother, detaching from his unsettling feelings, and avoiding any kind of challenging emotional interactions. A useful umbrella term for this attachment style is “detached.”

As an adult, the avoidantly attached person is uncomfortable with intimacy in a relationship and will often struggle to commit. Vulnerability feels scary and brings up anxiety. This person has learned that depending on themselves and not needing others is the best way to move through the world. He dislikes having a partner depend on him and is not concerned about their availability. He values his freedom and finds it challenging to trust others. If he is drawn into situations that require high levels of intimacy, he will feel very uncomfortable and begin to distance himself. He becomes rejecting and leaves his partner invariably wanting more connection.

ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT

This attachment style is also sometimes called “preoccupied” or “ambivalent.” The anxiously attached infant experiences inconsistency with her caregiver and develops a strong sense of insecurity. There are times when she experiences her mother as loving and warm, and other times were her mother is absent. The child develops anxiety because she doesn’t know from one hour to the next whether her mother will be there for her and meet her needs. She comes to doubt her loveability and feel unsafe in her environment carrying these beliefs about herself and her world into her subsequent relationships.

In romantic relationships she tends to be needy and wants to “merge” with her partner. She also requires constant reassurance that her partner loves her and will not abandon her. Such behaviours can scare her partner away and result in the self-fulfilling prophecy that she is unlovable and will always be abandoned. She is also highly emotional, unpredictable, moody and argumentative, often connecting through conflict. This attachment style tends towards rumination over the past which can become a projection onto current relationships.

DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT

Disorganized attachment occurs when a child experiences his caregiver as a source of danger. Given that he is dependent on the caregiver to have his needs met, this creates impulses to both avoid and connect with the source of his fear. As a result of such a terrifying predicament, the child becomes disoriented. The child’s internal belief tells her to expect pain from the parent. She doesn’t feel safe and believes she is worthless and unlovable. Many children who show signs of disorganized attachment have been abused by their parents. In romantic relationships the disorganized individual will struggle to tolerate emotional intimacy and may fly into sudden rages. He struggles to regulate his emotions and tends towards abusive (as both abused and abuser) and dysfunctional relationships. To avoid the painful memories of the past, he may dissociate or enter prolonged silences. This attachment type is at higher risk for personality disorders in adulthood, including narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

If you Have an Insecure Attachment Style

Do you see yourself in any of the attachment style descriptions?

It’s important to note that people are rarely all of one attachment style. Most of us have a dominant style with elements of one or two others. It’s also important to know that as you experience different relationships in your life your style may become more of one or another. For example, an insecurely attached person is likely to become more secure when they experience relationship with a securely attached partner. Likewise, if you are a securely attached person and enter into a relationship with an abusive partner, you may well become more insecure.

Certain attachment styles may also yield a more healthy or unhealthy partnership. An anxiously attached person will feel highly insecure in a relationship with someone who is avoidant because their needs are almost opposite. As the anxiously attached person tries to draw closer to her avoidant partner, he feels smothered by her need for intimacy and pulls away. The more he detaches the more anxious she becomes and tries harder to connect.

If you have an insecure attachment style, know that there is nothing wrong or broken about you. Your early experiences in life have created certain needs for connection and these are all perfectly normal. Knowing your style gives you helpful information about yourself and your partner. Once you understand each other’s style, you understand why your partner behaves the way they do and can begin to work with one another rather than against.